Jennette McCurdy was six years old when she had her first acting audition. Her mother’s dream was for her only daughter to become a star, and Jennette would do anything to make her mother happy. So she went along with what Mom called “calorie restriction,” eating little and weighing herself five times a day. She endured extensive at-home makeovers while Mom chided, “Your eyelashes are invisible, okay? You think Dakota Fanning doesn’t tint hers?” She was even showered by Mom until age sixteen while sharing her diaries, email, and all her income.

In I’m Glad My Mom Died, Jennette recounts all this in unflinching detail—just as she chronicles what happens when the dream finally comes true. Cast in a new Nickelodeon series called iCarly, she is thrust into fame. Though Mom is ecstatic, emailing fan club moderators and getting on a first-name basis with the paparazzi (“Hi Gale!”), Jennette is riddled with anxiety, shame, and self-loathing, which manifest into eating disorders, addiction, and a series of unhealthy relationships. These issues only get worse when, soon after taking the lead in the iCarly spinoff Sam & Cat alongside Ariana Grande, her mother dies of cancer. Finally, after discovering therapy and quitting acting, Jennette embarks on recovery and decides for the first time in her life what she really wants.

Audiobook | 6hr 49m

I remember this making waves when it came out as a book and I decided then that I wanted to read it. I decided to wait for the audio version because I can process biographies/memoirs better when I’m listening rather than reading.

I was on the tail end of people who watched iCarly. I was too old for it really but it was amusing to watch if nothing else was on. When I listen to audiobooks I don’t tend to listen to them in one sitting but I did with this book. I was on holiday in Cornwall when I listened to this and it was a particularly rainy day when I started listening and by the end of the audiobook I had garnered a new level of respect for Jeanette McCurdy and finished the Paddington Bear diamond art I’d been working on.

I am incredibly interested with how and why the human mind works and I’m also very interested in psychology. From that point of view, this biography was mesmerising because it showcased how minute words and actions have the biggest impact on an individual.

I often think that there should be stricter rules to become and actor or actress. A series of tests if you will to test for mental health, addiction, difficulties, etc. It seems we can’t go a day without hearing about another star who has fallen ‘off the wagon’ or behaved in a way that is ‘shocking’ and negatively labelled as ‘mental health breakdown’.

We don’t give enough credit to those sitting in the industry, to those who do start out as child stars and the various dark spaces and people they are put in close quarters in. I’m not saying that all of Television and Film is corrupt but there is definitely room for some BIG improvements.

Jeanette narrates this with an equal measure of sarcasm and honesty. Hearing the own words of a person by the person is always going to give you a better account and I found the telling of Jeanette’s story, from the time she started to please her Mother, to the time after her Mother had passed to be both enlightening and slightly tragic.

It is hard to realise what sort of life you are living while you are living it. It’s much harder to see it from an outside perspective. When Jeanette talks about seeing a therapist she talks about leaving the room and stopping the sessions after the therapist gave an opinion on her life that differed from the mantra Jeanette always believed.

I felt for her deeply in this moment. I have been in that position with a counsellor before and it is hard to overcome the realisation that what you thought a situation was is vastly different from what it actually is.

Jeanette’s relationship with her Mum is problematic at best, but I can understand to a certain extent the desire to please your Mother. It is interesting to see that in pleasing her Mother, Jeanette abandoned all ideas of self-care. She essentially put all of her thoughts and feeling on what she wanted from life into a cupboard in her mind and became the person her Mother wanted her to be.

I am an outsider looking in on this biography. My first reaction was to wonder how she stayed in that environment for so long. My second though was of how brave and strong she was for surviving in that environment for so long. It would be easy for me to say I wouldn’t have handled the situation as Jeanette did but we are different people with different experiences and different reactions to what is going on around us.

It was clear while listening that Jeanette drastically changed in the aftermath of her Mother’s passing. It was, though I’m not sure whether she realised it or not, a grieving process. I think the fact that so much of what she hated or viewed negatively was bottled up for so long that it overflowed without cause to stop in the aftermath of her Mother’s death.

I can understand that feeling also.

It seems, as I came to the end of listening, that Jeanette made some complicated decisions and began to put herself first for once. Taking care of herself she became grounded in a way she hadn’t been allowed to before. As an individual who has gone through all she has, I hazard a guess that there is still a lot of therapy and growth to be had but I think writing this book and narrating it was a cathartic experience for her and gave her a moment to close that chapter of her life for good.

I give this audiobook: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐