Day Eleven – Saturday 28^th March

It is so cold! Where did the wind come from! It’s ruining the sunny blue sky!! I had so many plans of what I was going to do today, and I did none of it!

I got some studying in this morning, I’ve moved onto learning about Health, Safety, and Security with my course. After lunch I walked the dogs with my Mum, but it ended up being a short walk because of the freezing cold wind and because Freddie – even with his fleece and harness on – refused to walk. Can’t say I blame him much; he has a plate in his front left paw and arthritis and we usually don’t take him out when it’s cold because his paw gets stiff. But he kept barking to go on a walk, so we took him and as usual, he was sassy about it!

I was so cold when we got back that all I wanted to do was snuggle up on my bed. I ended up watching Star Wars – Episode VII The Force Awakens, and Episode VIII The Last Jedi.

I also did some online shopping, but I can’t tell you what because it’s a secret! At least for now!

As I didn’t sleep well on Friday night, I had this whole ritual for tonight, turning off screens at 9:30pm. Reading a book, listening to ASMR videos. I just hope it works…

Day Twelve – Sunday 29^th March

It didn’t work…After I decided to turn the lights off at 10:45pm, I then lay awake for 2 hours as my brain refused to shut up and let me sleep. I was then up almost every hour, only getting about 15-20mins sleep in-between the waking up. I slept in till 11:30am. That hardly ever happens. I also woke with a headache and was grumpy as hell.

I made the effort to get dressed after breakfast, but I just moved myself from my bedroom into my ‘office space’ because I like the chair so much. I spent most of the day reading (Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter) and if you’ve read the review, you’ll know how I felt about it.

The thing I’d ordered for Sunday, didn’t arrive until 6:15pm! But I was still giddy and excited to do it. I ordered myself two Lego Sets. Harry Potter Quiddich and Luke Skywalker’s Landspeeder. See pictures below for the finished product!

My Dad is working so hard, he’s turned into a version of the Hulk who is chained to a desk. I hope he gives himself room to breathe.

I’m actually excited to be working tomorrow, which is really sad! But I’m just happy to have something to fill my time with.

I briefly watched the 6pm news today. I lasted 15 minutes before I had to change the channel. I feel like if I stop to take it all in then I’ll shatter into a million pieces. What’s happening is so real and so damaging but I know I can protect myself better if I compartmentalise. Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach when I watch the news, or I feel my heart crying out in sorrow at all those affected. It is hard to digest, which is why I shield myself from it as much as I can.

We all have to do what is right for us, in the long run my actions might not make any sense to the person standing beside me, but they make perfect sense to me and my wellbeing.

It’s just gone 11pm and I’m wide awake because my insomnia has been running wild for the last couple of days. Multiple things cause my insomnia, sometimes it’s purely stress and anxiety. Other times it can be depression, or it can be fear about something I’m unaware of or a nightmare I’ve repressed. Most commonly it’s because of my brain and its inability to shut up. Imagine having a hoard of buzzing bees that follow you around, each individual bee is trying to get your attention and they’re all talking at the same time. I can never seem to get rid of the bees. It’s infuriating. Sometimes it makes life very hard.

I still have my arms and legs though. I have a job and a safe and secure roof over my head. I tell myself it could be much worse, and I’m right, it could be.

I’m starring at my new edition – the Slytherin edition of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It’s good to have a copy of the Goblet of Fire that is still intact.

I’d like to sit down and read the Harry Potter books again sometime. I hope my mind isn’t too jaded from all the Harry Potter fan fictions I’ve read! I know I won’t be able to avoid the irritating flaws if I do read again though.

Day Thirteen – Monday 30^th March

Ok, going into the second week of isolation, feeling pretty good, although not sleeping at all well! What is becoming a real struggle is how I manage my headaches. I’ve been dealing with daily headaches for 14 years now and it is common for me to take between 2-4 paracetamols a day. Obviously, I haven’t been able to do that with the panic buying that has hit the UK, so I’ve had to ration the paracetamols I take. However, I managed to find a company where I could buy a slightly bigger quantity of paracetamols, based on the need to contact my GP and confirm the legitimate reason why I need them. Hopefully the request will be granted, and I can start managing my pain more easily once more.

Today’s walk across the heath was very cold and I had forgotten to take a hat with me, so my ears suffered. We didn’t meet as many people today and for the most part, people were very considerate and stuck to the 2mtr rule. The dogs seemed to enjoy the walk anyway, though Freddie’s paw was very stiff in the cold weather.

I have been so cold sitting in my workspace. Even though the window is closed, I’ve still put a jumper on and got a blanket over my legs. I was supposed to play Xbox tonight with a friend, who is ‘always tired’. I thought playing with them at an earlier time would stop the tired moaning, but it accelerated it! It’s all fun and games though, it very easy to joke about their moaning. It was self-inflicted anyway, they were hungover, not able to survive their FIRST day at home without drinking!

Anyway, I ended up watching the 3 episodes of The Mandalorian which are up on Disney+ and then I rented the film Judy – which ended up being better than I thought, as I’d thought it was going to be a film where the trailer was better than the actual finished product!

Day Fourteen – Tuesday 31^st March

I got stuck in a loop today, getting worried over how my book Instagram feed is all over the place and how I never stick to one theme for long. This then escalated into why I don’t have many followers and am I just unlikable.

It was a rough start to Tuesday; I was also completely bone tired. Having slept 5 hrs on and off the night before and between 5-7 hours the previous few nights. I was the embodiment of grumpy today. My right eye was so weepy, I had a banging headache across my eyes, and I generally felt like I wanted to bitch at the world in one second and howl in pain at another.

It was a hard day working today because my eyes really didn’t want to focus, and I kept feeling like I was blurring out. We did a short walk today because my Mum also had a headache, and we were both feeling like we’d prefer to be indoors and not on the heath.

All work calls seem to have run down. I only seem to be getting calls now from Orlando, Florida and South Africa. I’m ignoring them, because we don’t do business internationally, I’ll get charged if I answer them, and the one time I did they were so unpleasant, rude and refused to tell me what it was about that I am now convinced they’re cold calling. I’m ignoring them. Most people know to email now anyway, so if it really was important, they’d already have the details of that person.

Seems crazy that tomorrow is April. It feels like March has dragged on for a year! The world is, indeed, crazy and unpredictable. I’ve been feeling very jealous of the dogs who seem to just sleep, eat food, play, and walk. They have no worries or fears.

Actually, no that’s not true. Luca is afraid of partially closed doors. Freddie is afraid of pushchairs and black bin bags.

Did a bit of Amazon ordering today. I use Tiger Balm quite often to soothe aches and pains. They’ve now got ‘Tiger Balm White’, to be used for tension headaches and aches. I thought I’d get some to help with the increase of bad headaches I’ve had. I also got a pulse point roller ball from Tisserand which is supposed to help to calm and de-stress. I mean, at this point, I’ll happily try anything.

Day Fifteen – Wednesday 1^st April

Happy hump day! Can it even be a hump day when you’re not in the office? There doesn’t seem to be a hump to get over when all the days seem to blur into one. But, hey ho, I still have my arms and legs.

I didn’t walk today because my Mum had a vision blurring migraine. Trying to get her to stay in bed and rest was a cause that both my Dad and I lost. I feel like my headache started to get bad in sympathy with hers. Instead of walking, I did 30minutes on my indoor cycle bike. It wasn’t a quick cycle because I realised, I couldn’t keep that pace up for long, but it wasn’t slow either, it was sort of in the middle. I was going to do 40mins, but I stopped after 30 because my legs started to feel like jelly, and I did some stretches to cool down instead.

I have had a clingy Italian greyhound locked to my side for the entire day. This splodge of beige has not left me alone and is not content to sleep in his basket besides me but instead insists on being on my lap, stopping me from working and slamming his head into my face to demand kisses. He is such a crazy weirdo. He also hasn’t been walked today which explains some of his behaviour but mostly he’s just crazy for no reason.

I’m feeling a bit better today, I managed to get a better night’s sleep and don’t feel so much like death walking. I also managed to get quite a bit of work done – around the dog – and set a plan of what I needed to do in the coming week, which made me feel more productive and active.

I started to feel more positive and like I had more to say in the teams meeting this afternoon. Sometimes I just sit there, a face on the screen with nothing to say. But then again, when you have a meeting with the same people at the same time every day, there comes a point where none of you have anything to say!

My purchase from ‘Just Miniatures’ arrived today. I’ve been buying things this past week to cheer up the people around me. So, on Just Miniatures, I got 5 miniatures of different gins for my Mum. It was kind of good they arrived today because my Mum was feeling a little down with her migraine, and I managed to cheer her up which in turn made me feel good.

Today did go slowly though. Far slower than I would have liked. The days seem to drag, or they seem to blur and there doesn’t seem to be any in-between.

Day Sixteen – Thursday 2^nd April

I had the weirdest nightmare dream last night. It started with me being a member of NCIS and a case that involved poisonous glowing mushrooms. It then morphed into the church I used to go to as a kid, where the same mushrooms poisoned a woman who was doing backflips over walls in Sunday School. We then had the bright idea to parade her in a glass coffin/futuristic breathing house, through the church congregation, which included the Queen of England.

At which point, my Dad was called forth to try and heal her as he’s a scientist. The woman in question then morphed into a dragon/mermaid monster, tried to kill my Dad, then tried to kill me, and then I woke up.

I’ve condensed the dream; it was really very vivid and details – most of my dreams are – and I felt a lot of anxiety when I woke up. I remember my dreams in perfect clarity. I can remember dreams I’ve had over a decade ago like they were memories from yesterday. It’s weird.

Dog walk today was slightly warmer. Luca behaved himself. Freddie only disgraced himself once by eating horse poo. Mostly, we were surprised by Freddie’s trotting and how far in front he was – he’s usually never in front because he’s blind and prefers to follow our feet – considering he hasn’t had laser treatment since the beginning of March, where he usually has it every 2 weeks (I think.)

I finally managed to finish reading The Guest List by Lucy Foley, but I wasn’t happy with it.

Going into April, I have so many books to choose from, I’m just picking whatever takes my fancy and going with it. In self-isolation, I might actually get to read all the tbr books I have waiting for me!!

I got an email today saying I’d been cleared by my doctor to have the paracetamols, so I’ll be thrilled when those arrive. My Amazon order of the tiger balm and the pulse point de-stress stick arrived along with my copy of ‘Born in a Burial Gown’ by M. W. Craven.

This day has gone quickly again. I have a clear project plan for doling out mental health posters to staff, updates in the project I’m leading, and overall, I’m feeling quite positive and have managed to connect with quite a few people.

I’ve avoided all news about COVID-19. It’s doing wonders for my own mental health to avoid all social media on it. I’m not staying ignorant. I make sure to catch the BBC news once a week, but I am just not opening myself up to all the worry, fear, and panic. It is healthier – for me – to stay separate from it all.

I could kill for some crisps. Or a takeaway pizza. It’s all I’ve been craving today! As soon as my body or mind becomes bored, I start thinking about food. It’s terribly bad, but I eat the most when I’m bored.

I would say ‘at least it’s almost the weekend’ but what am I going to do? Probably sit in the same room and read a book or two! Actually, filling time on the weekend is when I’m the most vulnerable to feeling down and feeling a shift in my mood. It’s easy to manage self-isolation during the week when I’m still able to work from home but come the weekend everything feels very claustrophobic and uninteresting.

I’ll have to think of something to make this weekend more interesting!  

Day Seventeen – Friday 3^rd April

I had another dream last night. It was weirder than the last. I’ll do my best to explain it.

It started with a conversation with my Mum across an empty farm field, where we discussed my ex-boyfriend and whether I’d consider giving him another chance. (For the record, the ex-boyfriend in question was actually someone I had dated in real life about 4 years ago.)

The conversation went along the lines of, if I was given another chance, I might extend the olive branch and see where things go. Except the ex-boyfriend in the dream was far different from my real ex-boyfriend.

In the dream, me and my ex had been at school, a weird school where odd things happened and it was kind of a cross between every high school featured in teen movies, and a Star Wars esq Stormtrooper training facility.

He cheated on me in the dream, got together with a stereotypical American high school teen. That’s why the relationship ended in the dream. I got a weird flash of them swimming in milk with their clothes on – very odd…

The dream cut here to a battle in a pit between myself, my ex who now seemed to be my boyfriend again, and some low level siths. It was a surprisingly bloody battle and sand got EVERYWHERE. There was also a pep talk in the middle from me to my boyfriend about how we could win this and take them down. There might have also been a kiss.

The scene changed again. The battle had changed. My band of good fighters were on one boat, chasing the bad fighters on their boat. Trying to catch up with them, my boat entered a trail of boats that were being hauled up onto a machine cube – that somehow floated – and would be carried on sea that way.

Except, something was wrong, the cube carrier wasn’t a carrier at all, it was a machine that could crush thousands of boats at the same time, and my boat was filled with people.

While this was going on, I actually wasn’t in the boat, I had found myself in this odd sort of heaven space. I’d met the ‘Princess’ who said she’d help me escape if I took her with me. I’d travelled into the tunnels that ran under the heaven and met the tribe of vicious witches that usually stole souls and devoured humans. But I had the Princesses talisman, so they allowed me to pass and offered to help in my struggles.

Meanwhile my boyfriend and troops on the boat had realised they were soon to be crushed to death, and so they escaped the boat displaying a series of dangerous parkour movements. They two found themselves in the tunnel of the cube facing witches who were more violent and unpredictable than the ones I’d found.

During their struggles, the Princess and I had worked out how to escape from heaven and how to dodge her guards and the sentries who prevented everybody from leaving. It wasn’t a real heaven it was more like a prison. Suddenly, we all had the ability to fly and we flew right into the tunnels of the cube to save my boyfriend and the ship members.

Here we met the woman he’d originally cheated on me with. She’d become a witch, bound to the cube’s tunnels in punishment for her behaviour – which seemed to extend well beyond luring my boyfriend away from me. We couldn’t save her and surprisingly, my boyfriend didn’t want to save her or want to be anywhere near her. There was a conversation about mind control and manipulation which seemed to make him very green about the gills, so I didn’t press it further.

The dream concluded with us all flying from the cube and hovering over the enemy ship, ready to attack.

I woke up feeling decidedly heavy.

I understand the references to Star Wars, and Star Trek Picard.

I don’t understand why my brain decided to conjure up my ex-boyfriend – we broke up in 2016 because really, we had nothing in common and it wasn’t working. I hardly ever think of him now, if I do it’s usually because my Mum has brought him up, so I have no idea why my brain pushed him into this dream.

I had so much sleepy dust in my eye when I woke up as well. Took me quite a while to get rid of it!

Anyway, it’s Friday, which would usually mean weekend celebrations but being stuck inside, just means I get to read in different rooms of the house!! I’ve spent the morning studying, trying to get through session 3 & 4 of my unit 1 assessment. I ended up going to the office in the afternoon, I needed to sort out the week’s post, scan relevant invoices to accounts, check the servers, let somebody else in, etc. I was there for quite a while!

I have no expectations for the coming week. I haven’t even picked out books I want to read. I’m leaving myself open to choose anything from my shelf, whatever takes my fancy really. It’s not like I don’t have a lot to choose from!

Let me know what you’re planning to do this weekend!