Ramble #5

It occurred to me at about 3:30am on Wednesday morning, how shit my body is. I feel sleepy all day but actually falling asleep seems allusive. I started to go to bed at 11pm because it gave me a better chance at sleeping but now I can be lying awake until 2-3am cursing the fact that my brain won’t shut up and let me sleep. FYI going to bed earlier at 10pm doesn’t mean I sleep either, in fact none of the tried and tested methods of falling asleep seem to work on me.

I often try to daydream in an attempt to fall asleep, the most common imagination concept is making myself a character in Harry Potter but I also try with the Marvel universe, Narnia and Lord of the Rings. If that doesn’t work I try to retreat to my sleep space, which is essentially a dreamscape room. It’s completely black and the floor dips down, the floor is cushioned and covered in pillows and blankets. The point of the dreamscape room is that it’s completely dark and thus, in theory, I should fall asleep while imagining it.

If that doesn’t work, I’m pretty screwed. Listening to audiobooks at night just sees me lying awake at the end. Listening to white noise has the same affect. Sleeping with an eye-mask does nothing.

I tend to not sleep when I’m stressed, anxious or depressed, nervous or excited, worried or angry. Or when fate has got drunk and thinks it’s funny to keep me up all night (I feel like fate was drunk when she made me…or else she wasn’t paying attention.)

I managed to read a couple of books over last weekend and have since (on Monday) had another book clear out. I have been holding onto some books that have been on my shelf for over 2 years because I wanted to believe that I would read them at some point. The truth, is that my tastes have changed and those books remained on the shelf because I was NEVER GOING TO READ THEM, so, I have given them away to a charity shop. I also, on Monday, did an entire clothes clear out. I got rid of 5 bags of clothes (again, I seemed to have been hording clothes from as much as 4 years ago, when I haven’t worn them/fit into them for years!) and now all my clothes fit in my 2 wardrobes and don’t take up the rest of the house!

Over the Christmas break I am going to clear out my Knick Knacks that have been piling up for years. Things like, ‘the little things that people gift you that you feel too guilty to throw away but that actually have no purpose to you.’ I’ve collected A LOT of stuff like that over the years. I’ve come to realise that my OCD has grown worse over the last year and that I prefer to only hold onto the things that I know I’ll use and be rid of everything else. Soon, my entire space will be an OCD heaven and not only part of it – like it is now – e.g. my book shelves, shot glass collection, colouring books, colouring materials & clothes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about goals and what goals I’ll partake in for 2020. I think I’m pretty settled on trying to read 150 books in 2020 but I also want to be able to finish the rewrite of 3 of my novels – from 3rd to 1st person – and do a general tidy up and edit of them. I want to be able to commit myself to writing (and completing) 3 fan fiction stories (as I’ve definitely been lax on them this year) and I’d like to be able to finish an entire colouring book.

I want to be able to not let my relationship with my weight negatively impact me and I would like to learn to be happy with the body I have. I would like to try and be more confident in social situations and try to learn when to say that something is too much for me and that I am struggling to do it.

I want to finally get the achievement for a 26 generation sims 4 family on my Xbox (I’m currently on generation 4!)

Lastly, but perhaps the most important, I want to finish saving for my mortgage deposit and be able to say that I am finally living in my own space (fingers crossed). I suppose in the grand scheme of New Years’s Goals, I’ve got a lot, but I know that I will be able to commit to every one of them. I try to give myself goals that are attainable and not goals that will wither and die within the first few months.

I am now done with work for the year. I finished on Friday 20th and now don’t go back till Monday 13th Jan. I think the new year will bring a better work environment for me, with more direction and opportunity to shine. With my new boss, I know that I won’t be forgotten or overlooked and it will be the start – I hope – of getting back on track and getting a bigger work load.

I get excited for Christmas every year, partly because it’s my favourite holiday, partly because I adore gift giving, partly because of my religious beliefs. I just think there is something magical about it and my family is big on Christmas from advent calendars (homemade), to Christmas Eve boxes, Stockings, Crackers, Glitter, Food, Presents, Laughter, Games, Love, Hope, Happiness etc. It is always a time filled with such chaos but such joy to be around. I never wish Christmas to come early because I am always sad when it’s gone. However, I am always thinking of Christmas with my Christmas spreadsheet raring to go for 2020!!!

Friday 20th was my last day of work before Christmas and only a half day! It went by in a flash! I’ve pretty much finished organizing everything for work next year, for Christmas this year and for blog posts during the Christmas period/while I’m skiing. So, I’m calm and relaxed now!

QFY* – How organized are you? Ready for Christmas?

*QFY – Question for you

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