Day One Hundred and Twenty-Five – Saturday 18^th July –

Saw my first two flats today!! This has been a long time coming and like passing my driving test, it was something that I never thought was possible. It was like an unattainable goal. I have wanted to move into my own place for 7 years but there has always been something standing in my way. For the last two years I have tried my hardest to save all I can into a deposit for a flat. With the help of my parents, I have managed to save a good-sized mortgage deposit and am able to move forward with my dream of living in my own space.

I still have a long way to go, but it’s a start, right?

I also saw my sister on the weekend, which was nice as I haven’t seen her in a while. It has been a very busy day but busy for the right reasons, I think.

I did have a nap this afternoon because I started to get a headache, I think from being in the sun too long and from being a little dehydrated.

My body does not like the English Summer heat!

Day One Hundred and Twenty-Six – Sunday 19^th July –

Relaxing day today. Yesterday was A LOT of vibes. I don’t cope well with a barrage of emotions; they negatively affect me, and my mental health and I always suffer from it the day after.

Today it came out in depression and a feeling of loneliness. I had a migraine which just made everything worse. I spent most of the day curled in bed, trying to make the day seem a little better for me.

I did managed to do quite a bit of craft design for my Etsy shop which did give me a little bit of joy.

I managed to turn the day around a little bit in the afternoon by putting on a mixed spotify playlist and singing at the top of my voice. It’s kind of hard to stay in the hole of depression when you’re singing happy songs or Disney classics. It didn’t completely deal with my mood but it did help enough to push me a little bit upwards and improve the mood.

Day One Hundred and Twenty-Seven – Monday 20^th July –

It was a really sunny day today, so I sat outside under an umbrella and worked on my laptop. In between working I managed to varnish my commission – which is now ready for tomorrows post. I lasted outside for much longer than I thought I would but after lunch, the heat headache started to come on and so I retreated upstairs where my blackout curtains had kept my room deliciously cool.

I also got signed off by the nurse when I saw her this afternoon, so no more worrying. & I got some junk food.

Day One Hundred and Twenty-Eight – Tuesday 21^st July –

I was so snuggled and cocooned in my bed this morning that I didn’t want to get up. So, what did I do? I brought my work to my bed so I could stay snuggled for a little longer. I did get up eventually, because I was due in the office this afternoon.

I’ve had a ton of calls, all people wanting to inform me, or a scam email sent by one of my office’s email addresses. I mean, I don’t even have to wait for the caller to talk, I just say, ‘is it about a scam email’ and the problem is solved.

I kind of wish more people had the knowledge to just delete the email and not feel the need to tell me about it. Hacking into an email account to send a scam from a company happens all the time and it’s easy to isolate the problem and stop it from happening.

Day One Hundred and Twenty-Nine – Wednesday 22^nd July –

Today was a LONG day. I felt like the day stretched on long past what it should have been and by the end of it I felt physically and emotionally drained, though I hadn’t done much exercise.

Something I really struggle with is social interactions and my ability to observe is not good. I always find myself in these situations where someone has guessed something from my attitude or action and assumed something from it that I’m not even aware from. I had one of those situations today when a good friend essentially told me that we’d agreed to take things slow in our relationship.

Immediately the sick anxiety rose up inside me and my hands started to shake. I’d never once agreed to that. My friend is perfectly lovely, and I like him as a person but I’m not that way inclined to him. I keep finding myself in these situations and I honestly would prefer people to bluntly tell me what they want me to know, because I don’t notice these subtle approaches.

It was honestly, a difficult conversation and I didn’t know how to handle it. I’m not good with situations like this. I tried to be adult, calm, and professional. It would have perhaps been too blunt to say, ‘I don’t like you like that’, but maybe I should of, said that. Instead, I said, ‘I’m happy to be friends…if anything changes my end, I’ll let you know.’ But that was kind of a lie because I know nothing will change my end.

This is the fourth time I’ve found myself in this position with a male friend wanting more from me than I’m inclined to give. I get really worried that I am doing something with my voice or actions that is giving off a different signal that what I feel in my brain.

The whole encounter, though finally sorted, really made me quite stressed in the evening, and topped off a long day with a bad headache. Idk, I can only be myself, right?  

Day One Hundred and Thirty – Thursday 23^rd July –

So tired this morning but that is no surprise. Last night I had a rush of a lot of emotions and this morning, the air pressure is low, so I’m tired, with a headache, and bad hay fever.

I worked from my bed this morning which was actually more therapeutic than I thought it would be. I would have happily spent the day working from my bedroom but it’s Thursday, and Thursday means going into the office in the afternoon.

Originally it looked like I would be in the office for 4 hours, but my meeting was moved to next Tuesday, so I managed to get away from the office quicker than expected. I saw a couple of colleagues and gave a chubb chubb lolly to one of my colleagues who was struggling. It made him happier.

I have become obsessed with Hamilton (The Musical). This always happens. I watched it on Disney+ and didn’t like it. I listened to the music on loop for over two weeks, watched the musical again and LOVED it. Now I can’t stop watching/listening to it. I’ll continue this obsession till my brain has cemented all aspects to memory. It’s kind of how I deal with new musicals and I am a musical buff.

Plus, watching Hamilton is a great way to pass the time when you’re at work folding payslips (which is a boring task that always makes my back hurt).

I spoke to my sister today, it was a good conversation, I am so grateful that we both allowed ourselves to grow up and finally accept the actions of the past in order to move forward and become involved with each other again. It has brought my great joy to have mended the relationship with my sister.

There is all this talk about ‘to do or not do’ with Masks. Everyone has a different opinion. Honestly, I don’t care much for what people think about the masks, I’ll be wearing one whenever I’m out in public regardless. Plus, I have a really, cool one specifically for people who wear glasses, it’s so comfy and it doesn’t steam up my glasses.

Day One Hundred and Thirty-One – Friday 24^th July –

TGIF!

This week just seemed to drag on but not in a good way at all. It looks like August will be the time that my office phases back to work but much like the government, there haven’t been clear guidelines on that. I just know that COVID-19 is still alive and thriving. I know that there are no IF’s on whether the second wave will come but a WHEN. I refuse to put those I live with at risk just because my office decides to phase back.

Fortunately, I have been given special permission to phase back later than my other colleagues, but nothing further has been explained about what that will be and when that will be. It all seems a little confusing and I’m irritated with the lack of information offered.

An email was sent around my office, explaining COVID-19 precautions. I thought it would be a guide to phasing back to the office, but it was actually just a reminder about what to do if you have symptoms. It wasn’t really helpful at all and seemed pretty pointless to me.

I wish people would just say what they mean instead of beating around the bush!

Anyway, hopefully the weather will be good this weekend as I want to do some more fluid art painting on Saturday and hopefully some reading on Sunday.

I’m currently halfway through the book ‘Dear Child’ by Romy Hausmann which has been translated from German to English. It’s a proper creepy thriller and I’ve had to take breaks from it at certain points because it’s got too much but I am really excited to see where it ends.